When I grow up...

When I was in kindergarten, I wanted to become an astronaut when I grew up. I'm not exactly sure why, because that job would terrify me now! I can't imagine leaving my friends and family here on Earth, to risk my life going up into space. Astronauts are some brave people. I think when I was about 5 years old, I learned about space in class. We had a song to remember all the planets, "Mercury, Venus, Earth and Mars, these are the planets above the stars. Jupiter, Neptune, Uranus too, Neptune, Pluto, now we're through…" That song was such a great tool for me to memorize the planets, even if Pluto isn't included anymore.

In primary school, there were several jobs I considered. The coolest job I considered, and I considered it strongly, was becoming a spy. In my free time, my best friend and I would create secret codes, and missions, and go on spying adventures. Whenever the Scholastic Catalog came around at school, I wouldn't search for books. Rather, I would search for spy gear, such as listening devices and sunglasses with built-in mirrors to see behind me. Surprisingly, my parents actually let me get them! I realized becoming a spy was not very realistic, but maybe a Scientist or an Archaeologist was. I used to love setting up science experiments and building science-y things. With my dad, I built a solar powered bug-type-creature. On a sunny day, I extracted the water from a bowl of orange juice using plastic wrap, a cup, and a rock. It worked, too! I enjoyed my Science Fair projects, but probably because my dad helped me with a lot of them. He's always been into techy gadgets, and pretty good with science. Despite my science kits and science experiment books, I still wasn't satisfied. In fourth grade, when it came time to record, once again, what I wanted to be when I grew up, I wrote down archaeologist. That was a spur of the moment decision, and I think I would hate digging in the sweltering hot. At least it made for a cool portfolio cover design…

Since primary and elementary school, my teachers haven't put much stress on me as to what I want to be when I grow up, which has been just fine with me. Unlike my sister, who knows she wants to become a teacher, or my dad whose passion is in avionics, I never really knew what I wanted to do with my adult future. But now that I'm a Senior in high school, that question has been coming up more than it has in the past. Filling out college applications, I'm asked to write my intended major. I can always say that I am undeclared, but I've decided that majoring in Business would be a practical choice. I consider myself a left-brained person, so I'm decently logical and analytical. Math and Science are my strong points in comparison to English and History. With that information, I think I would do great in Business. Plus, I like people, which is good, because I'm 99.99% sure I'll be working with other people in some shape or form.

Even though I now have a plan that I like, I still don't have a scholastic subject that I am passionate about. I've looked at majors offered by colleges, but have yet to see one and think, "That's the one! This is what I was made for!" Not having a dream job has discouraged me often. So many times I have wished I was passionate about just one thing, so that my future would be clearer. That, and I convinced myself that I'm not exciting, because there's not one specific job, or sport, or musical instrument, or hobby that makes me feel alive.

I feel most alive when I'm with people doing something that matters. I can be laughing with a friend, or sharing my faith with strangers. I thrive upon both. I also feel most alive when I'm thinking about, or discussing something deep, something without absolute answers.

So, I guess I don't know what I'll do when I "grow up". I still don't have a dream job, but I plan on enjoying the process that leads me to where I'm meant to be. It's kind of exciting this way; it's exciting not knowing where I'll be in 10, or even 5 years from now.

Waiting (FC)

To be honest, sometimes it's hard being single. I know I might sound pathetic to you, because I'm such a youngin', but bear with me. Roughly 70% of my closest friends have a significant other. I don't know what assortment of relationship issues they face, but they all seem happy together. Sometimes I feel lonely, because my friends are busy with their boyfriends, and I'm just at home, alone. I can get so bogged down by the world's lies telling me that my life would be better, more complete, with a guy in my life. I know that isn't true. I know a boyfriend won't fulfill my life. I know I'm young, and don't need to be tied down. And I know that there are other things I should be focusing on. Unfortunately, there seems to be a huge difference between knowing something to be true, and having one's feelings coincide with what is known.

I'm not in a hurry. I've kind of made an agreement with myself a couple years ago not to date in high school. Personally, having a boyfriend in high school would not be practical in my life. We would probably just end up going separate places after graduation, and then breaking up. Sad, right?!? And knowing me, I would be heart-broken, because I really invest my heart into relationships. With that being said, dating now would just lead to future pain. I've decided to save the pain. 

Oh, but sometimes I'm a hopeless romantic, and want someone to experience life with. Sometimes I want to go on cute dates, explore the city, and celebrate new seasons with a significant other. Sometimes I want someone to cuddle with, and buy gifts for. And sometimes I want to be cherished by a guy. Cherished.

I don't plan on getting into a committed relationship this year. Occasionally, I entertain the idea and pity myself, but then I remember how I'll just be leaving this town next fall. That, and I remember the word "cherished". I don't want to have a boyfriend just to have one, just out of desperation. I want to be cherished, and to cherish another. Whoever I end up with must value me. I don't mean to come across as needy or self-centered, but I'm holding out for a gentleman who will see me as a favorite aspect of his life, and care deeply for me. I don't think that's too outrageous to hope for. 

So yes, sometimes it's hard being single, but I know the wait will be worth it. 

poetry. (FC)

What makes a stranger mean?
Lashing out without a care
Misinterpretations of communications
What makes a stranger mean?
Is everything as it seems?
Full of a life that isn't fair
What makes a stranger mean?
Lashing out without a care

Charming, brave, humorous

Beautiful, simple, joyful

Electricity sparks

Months pass

Divided interests 

clash.

Skewed efforts

scotch plans

What lasts?

The City (FC)

"Liberation was in the very scale of the city: a goldfish bowl one could never grow to fit."

-Sheridan Hay, The Secret of Lost Things

Endless faces, so many places.

Life as vertical as horizontal

Day or night, always active

I feel alive. 

After experiencing and touring a college in Illinois, my parents and I entered the city of Chicago. I love it there. I have been several times in the past, but Saturday was my first time taking a train to the city. Pumpkin Spice Latte in hand, I was about to give my train ticket to the ticket-taker machine. The train station is set up so that there is a place to purchase train tickets, which actually come in the form of a card, and can be used multiple times. Past the purchasing area, there are stations set up where you feed the card to a machine in order to get through to the trains. My dad let the machine take his card first, and then had me take and feed it next. Pumpkin Spice Latte in hand, I put the card in the ticket-taker machine, and was startled so severely by the speed at which the card was sucked in, that my body jolted and I spilt my latte, providing a a good laugh for the workers there, and my family. I was embarrassed. 

But oh how I love being surrounded by so many people. I'm intrigued by the fact that each one has a life and a mind as intricate as mine. Each person has worries and problems and relationships and dreams. Each person in their own walk of life walking on the same street. Each person so different from the next, but somehow united in the same city. I can't help but wonder about each person's story, about where they come from. I see men and women and children homeless on street corners, and my hearts aches every time. I just want to pour out love. 

The city is a place where my mind is active, always expanding with new experiences and faces. 

Thanks Kelly! (CRR)

Everyone knows of that cliché nightmare, where the kid shows up to his first day of school, and all the students are staring at him, but he has no idea why. Then he hears snickering and sees pointing and whispering, only to realize that he showed up to school in his underwear! How embarrassing would that be, right?! Well... fortunately that has never happened to me. In fact, I've had very positive experiences at school. I've been blessed not to have one traumatizing teacher through the many years I've been a student. On the opposite side of that spectrum, I've had several outstanding teachers, some of which were through extracurricular activities. 

I've taken drum lessons with the same instructor, Kelly, since 6th grade. Not only has he taught me the fundamentals and techniques to playing well, but he has been such an encouragement for me to branch out and play with confidence. Most people who meet me seemed shocked to find out that I play the drums. Maybe it's because I'm a girl, maybe it's because I'm "so innocent and nice", maybe it's because I didn't play publicly, I don't know. I remember being so afraid to play in front of others. I felt like I was being judged, and that I didn't measure up to the skills of other drummers. Kelly noticed that. One thing he told me was that he used to be that way too. But, playing the drum set is kind of like role-playing. I remember him saying something like, "If you have to, pretend you're a different person when you play. Make up a crazy drummer name, like you're even a different character." Not only did he give me a good laugh, but he made me realize that I needed to move past my insecurities and just play. He equipped me with what I needed to gain more confidence. So, even though it was with timidity, I just decided to do it one day; I agreed to play in public. Whether it sounded good or not, I'm not completely sure. But, I ended up playing a ton at youth camp this past summer, and now I play on Sundays with my church worship team and on Wednesdays with my Church's youth group. Kelly taught me to not let fear get in the way of what I enjoy doing. I've came a long way, with much thanks to a fantastic teacher. 

Senior Year (CRR)

I can't believe it's already here: Senior year! I remember being in elementary school, or even middle school thinking the Seniors were so much older than I; that they were so mature, so independent, and all well on their way to adult-hood, and having a blast. I remember waiting anxiously for the time where I could finally be in high school, doing the things that the "teenagers" could do. I have a journal entry from when I was either 10 or 11 years old. I had written a list of things I was looking forward to doing. Having boy/girl parties, going to the movies without parents, and driving were amongst my list of activities that I was eager to be privileged to. As the years started passing, I was able to go back to my list in that journal entry and cross off each line. I absolutely love the privileges that accompany getting older, but I'm constantly being reminded of how fast life actually goes by. I've been told multiple times not to rush my youth, that I'll miss it soon enough. And to be frank, I don't miss my childhood years yet. But, I am continuously being reminded of how quickly life goes by, and that kind of makes me nervous. Sometimes I think to myself, "there are not enough hours in a day to get everything done!" I think that same concept applies to life as a whole; there are not enough days, not enough years, to accomplish everything that I would like to.

With that being said, I'm looking forward to making senior year a memorable one, where I'll cherish my sweet time. I have a lot of responsibilities this year which both excite me and make me a tad nervous. This year marks my third year participating in National Honors Society. In addition to the required volunteer hours, (oxymoron, I know) I'll also be serving as the NHS treasurer. I've never been a treasurer before, let alone an officer for any club. I'm afraid of messing up and not knowing what I'm doing. One reason I shy away from leadership roles like this, is that I'm afraid of having others rely on me. I'm afraid of letting people down. Despite my fears, I'm fairly confidant that I will do just fine, and that serving as treasurer will be a great experience for me. Aside from NHS, I also have the same responsibilities as every other senior: completing my senior project, filling out college applications, deciding what I'd like to do with my life after high school... I start feeling stressed out just thinking about these duties and responsibilities, even though they probably won't be too stressful in the moment. 

Finally, I'm excited to experience this year with a great class! Not only have I been blessed with amazing best friends that have been there for me since primary school, but I honestly feel like the class of 2014 is just one big group of friends. I love the school I'm in and the people I've been placed with, which is only going to make graduating that much harder...